Scan Results May

Hi Everyone;

It has been a while since I posted something, so if there is anyone out there that still checks in once in a while, I thought I'd share the latest news.

I had a scan at the end of May and got the results a few days ago. Everything is clean! No evidence of cancer that can be found. Even though I was hopeful, I was still anxious a couple of days before hearing the results. Needless to say I am very pleased with the news.

The doctors commented about my impressive recovery. Other than the dry mouth and the very occasional aches and pains in my mouth my life is pretty much back to 'normal'. Hard to believe that I had a feeding tube about 8 months ago.

Anyway, now I have 6 months till my next scan.

Have a great summer everyone, I know I will!

Scan Results

Yesterday we got the results from the latest scan. Angela and I were quite anxious for the last few days.

The scan did not find any cancer. The infamous 'bump' remained the same size and possibly even shrunk a bit. The doctors seemed very pleased with the development and my recovery progress.

Good news all around. Now I have around 3 or 4 months before I have my next check. I hope I will make the most of it.

There But For The Grace Of God Go I

Last week I spend a week and a half in New York again. Clint and I travelled there for a conference and I spent a few days before that with Vern to work on a new musical that we are developing. I did notice how different this trip felt to previous months. Life almost felt normal again. I was able to eat most things (although my mouth still hurts at times and I have to drink a lot of water while I eat) and I had the physical and emotional strength to be active for most of the day. I did notice a deep sadness at times that wasn't necessarily uncomfortable but certainly present. I think it is fair to say that the last 10 month of my life have hurt me deeply. I experience that as a different sensation than depression. In a strange way it almost feels comforting at times. I have a certain pride to have lived through these terrible times.

I also have been back at work for the last month. That pretty much feels normal by now.

I have my next scan coming up this Saturday. I am a little bit nervous about it but I decided to look at these scans as my friends. After all their purpose is to prevent or discover future problems.

Life is easier these days and I am grateful for it.

Slowly Getting Back To Normal

The last week has been good. I am back at work full time now and it feels good to be productive again.

Even though my emotional and physical scars still run deep I do feel that many aspects of my life are returning somewhat to normal. I work, spend time with Angela and friends and socialize often. There are often hours during the day when I am able to forget about the cancer and my experiences.

I often spend time thinking through the events of the past few months. Now that the worst is over I have to process a lot of what happened with amore healthy mind. Some of it feels like a strange dream, some of it is hard to believe.

I have to say that I am not happy at the moment...but I am at peace. A great gift considering my feelings just two months ago.

Back At Work

I have been back at work pretty much full time since last Monday. I did rather well. The chemo hasn't bothered me too much except from soreness and ulcers in my mouth. I have somehow learned to live with that for the moment.

It was good to be back. After 10 months of absence it was great to feel productive again at the end of the day. It is a big step for me in returning to a 'normal' life again. Clint and I are planning a trip to a conference in New York in early February. I am looking forward to travelling with him again.

I have also spent a lot of time playing boardgames again with friends over the weekend. That has always been a big part of Angela's and my life and I take it as encouraging that I am getting interested in it again.

Life feels very different from a couple of months ago. I am still dealing with a lot of emotional issues but I don't feel the crushing weight of depression at the moment.

Feels good. Every day seems a bit easier than the previous.

After The Last Chemo

I finished my last chemo treatment last Wednesday. The first few days after were pretty rough but by the weekend I started to recover a bit. Today (Monday) I went to work for a better part of the day without too much nausea. I think it will get better every day now.

Overall I am happy that my final treatment is finally over. No more beatings and not a moment too soon. At this point I feel that my body and mind can't take much more. Now I just have show up every couple of months for my scans and hope and pray that they will show nothing.

On the down side my side effects are bothering me a lot. My mouth is constantly dry and eating is still a real chore. I have to drink a bit of water every few minutes as my mouth isn't able to produce much saliva at this point. My tongue and throat are quite sore. As someone said on a website on mouth cancer: "radiation is the gift that keeps on giving." I am, however, optimistic that these side effects will lessen over time. I keep reminding myself that this is 'only for now'.

Christmas/New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I am sorry that it took me so very long to write a new entry.

My Christmas in Germany was wonderful. It was definitely a time of emotional healing. It was soothing to be with my family. I was able to talk to them if I needed to and we were comfortable to be quiet with each other as weIl. It was important for me to see my dad and my sister for the first time in person since the cancer started. I am also sure it was good for my mother to see me recover physically since she saw me last. During my 12 days there it became obvious that my old me came more and more to the forefront again. There were moments when I laughed while having a beer with old friends when I actually forgot about my troubles for a while. Life is starting to look a little bit better every day right now.

It was also good to be back. Angela and I had friends over for new years eve which was fun. It wasn't hard for me to say good-bye to 2009. Not exactly my best year. Here is to a more hopeful 2010!

Today I started my last round of chemo. I have been dreading it but at least it will be over soon. Just a couple more weeks of uncomfortableness and then I will finally be able to return to a more normal life. I am excited to be back at work full time. I am sure Clint is looking forward to have his business partner back as well.

Last week we had a meeting with my oncologist who was also visibly very pleased with the MRI results from early December. Apparently the written report states that the remaining tumour is most likely fatty deposits. Things feel very hopeful at the moment. My next scan will be in the end of February.

It feels like we are turning a page right now...