Slowly Getting Back To Normal

The last week has been good. I am back at work full time now and it feels good to be productive again.

Even though my emotional and physical scars still run deep I do feel that many aspects of my life are returning somewhat to normal. I work, spend time with Angela and friends and socialize often. There are often hours during the day when I am able to forget about the cancer and my experiences.

I often spend time thinking through the events of the past few months. Now that the worst is over I have to process a lot of what happened with amore healthy mind. Some of it feels like a strange dream, some of it is hard to believe.

I have to say that I am not happy at the moment...but I am at peace. A great gift considering my feelings just two months ago.

Back At Work

I have been back at work pretty much full time since last Monday. I did rather well. The chemo hasn't bothered me too much except from soreness and ulcers in my mouth. I have somehow learned to live with that for the moment.

It was good to be back. After 10 months of absence it was great to feel productive again at the end of the day. It is a big step for me in returning to a 'normal' life again. Clint and I are planning a trip to a conference in New York in early February. I am looking forward to travelling with him again.

I have also spent a lot of time playing boardgames again with friends over the weekend. That has always been a big part of Angela's and my life and I take it as encouraging that I am getting interested in it again.

Life feels very different from a couple of months ago. I am still dealing with a lot of emotional issues but I don't feel the crushing weight of depression at the moment.

Feels good. Every day seems a bit easier than the previous.

After The Last Chemo

I finished my last chemo treatment last Wednesday. The first few days after were pretty rough but by the weekend I started to recover a bit. Today (Monday) I went to work for a better part of the day without too much nausea. I think it will get better every day now.

Overall I am happy that my final treatment is finally over. No more beatings and not a moment too soon. At this point I feel that my body and mind can't take much more. Now I just have show up every couple of months for my scans and hope and pray that they will show nothing.

On the down side my side effects are bothering me a lot. My mouth is constantly dry and eating is still a real chore. I have to drink a bit of water every few minutes as my mouth isn't able to produce much saliva at this point. My tongue and throat are quite sore. As someone said on a website on mouth cancer: "radiation is the gift that keeps on giving." I am, however, optimistic that these side effects will lessen over time. I keep reminding myself that this is 'only for now'.

Christmas/New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I am sorry that it took me so very long to write a new entry.

My Christmas in Germany was wonderful. It was definitely a time of emotional healing. It was soothing to be with my family. I was able to talk to them if I needed to and we were comfortable to be quiet with each other as weIl. It was important for me to see my dad and my sister for the first time in person since the cancer started. I am also sure it was good for my mother to see me recover physically since she saw me last. During my 12 days there it became obvious that my old me came more and more to the forefront again. There were moments when I laughed while having a beer with old friends when I actually forgot about my troubles for a while. Life is starting to look a little bit better every day right now.

It was also good to be back. Angela and I had friends over for new years eve which was fun. It wasn't hard for me to say good-bye to 2009. Not exactly my best year. Here is to a more hopeful 2010!

Today I started my last round of chemo. I have been dreading it but at least it will be over soon. Just a couple more weeks of uncomfortableness and then I will finally be able to return to a more normal life. I am excited to be back at work full time. I am sure Clint is looking forward to have his business partner back as well.

Last week we had a meeting with my oncologist who was also visibly very pleased with the MRI results from early December. Apparently the written report states that the remaining tumour is most likely fatty deposits. Things feel very hopeful at the moment. My next scan will be in the end of February.

It feels like we are turning a page right now...

MRI Results

I had a great meeting with my radiation oncologist yesterday. He came in with a big smile and said that he had some good news. The MRI showed no cancer and the tumour growth has shrunk and seems to be harmless. At this point he was comfortable to say that I had a 'complete response' and that they cannot find any more cancer. I hugged him twice and went home smiling.

I will be off to Germany today.

Merry Christmas everyone!

This Week

This week was strange. I spent most of my time floating between work and bed. I wasn't really that sick but I was not able to be up without feeling a little tired and nauseous. I quite hate that feeling as I feel like a useless log that lies in bed all day. Hopefully I'll be a bit more productive this weekend.

I am still planning to go to Germany on Tuesday but I am terrified of the trip as well. This will be the first time that I am leaving my 'nest' and that I will travel without Angela for such along period of time. I am also worried that I will wreck everyone's Christmas by being the slightly depressed and sad person that I have become. I guess I'll just have to close my eyes and go for it.

I am scheduled for another MRI this Sunday morning as part of the follow up routine. They want to make sure that my bump is not growing. I am a little bit nervous about it but not too much. hopefully it will come back clean. Let's all think scar tissue again.

Adjuvent Chemo, Day 3 and Monday

The chemo went well overall. I did get a bit sick yesterday (day 3) and today. I pretty much slept non-stop since 1:00 pm yesterday till tonight. It feels like I am not sick enough to be in bed but not well enough to get up. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and be able to get to work for a bit. Things could definitely be worse and I am grateful for that. Let's hope it stays that way.