Week 5

Today I started my 5th week of treatment (out of 6) and it is a rough start. I have been throwing up all weekend. Ironically I had no food in me. I haven't been able to eat (drink that is) anything for 3 days now as the pain to swallow has become too great. If I would have been able to, I doubt it would have stayed in my stomach for too long. I did receive fluids through an IV every day and that did help a bit. At least I am not dehydrated as well.

Angela, my mother, my mother-in-law Elisabeth, and I went to Grand Forks from Saturday till Sunday as an attempt to get away and hang out for a bit. We did have a good time as family but the trip turned out to be more taxing on my system than anticipated. I spend a lot of time sleeping or throwing up (once in the Target parking lot).

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I will be getting my 3rd and last round of chemo treatment. I am bracing myself for the impact. I will also have a consult regarding my feeding tube. This has been a longer process than I hoped. I will probably not get the operation for another couple of days and than it will need two to three days of healing before I can use it. Every one of these days means zero calories of food intake for me.

I am a little bit happy, though, that I have a layer of extra fat at the moment.

Breaking Point

For me, the breaking point in someone's life happens when the task ahead appears to be larger than one's perceived strength to deal with it. I think mine was yesterday.

The last few days have been very challenging. The damage and pain to my mouth has increased substantially. I have been barely able to drink, both my food and water, as it hurts too much to swallow. My body also developed a routine where it wakes me up about 11:30 at night. I violently shiver and chatter my teeth for about 15 minutes. Then I develop a fever and sweat for the next hour or so. After that the rest of the night continues as normal. I have also lost my voice and am only able to speak with a whisper now.

Seeing that I sill have more than two weeks of treatment left I decided to ask for a feeding tube during my check up with Dr. Leylek yesterday. As soon as he entered the room and asked me how I was doing, I started to cry. I told him about my situation and he agreed that the feeding tube would be a good idea at this time. I have a meeting with the surgeon next Tuesday and hopefully I'll get it 'installed' during that week. in the meantime I will be getting IV fluids daily to make sure that I'll stay hydrated. At least I don't have to drink water anymore for the time being. After that I spend a nice afternoon with Angela and my mom. In the evening we went to see Kevin in 'Beauty and the Beast' (Kevin as the beast) at Rainbow Stage.

After the performance we went backstage to say hi to Kevin and when I gave him a hug I started to cry without being able to stop. I was so overwhelmed by the emotions of the show and my own misery that I couldn't help myself.

This morning after a good night sleep I feel better. Ready to face another day...

My Mother

One of the hardest things I had to do on this journey was to tell my parents that I have cancer. I will never forget that conversation nor their reaction. The interesting thing was that my mother left me with more courage than I started with during that call.

I think it is fair to say that I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. I do miss them (my side of our family are all living in Germany) and I enjoy the times we get to spend together. Being a 'Mama's Boy' I do foster a relationship with my mom that is also largely based on friendship. I do turn to her when I need advice and often enjoy her insights in some of life's mysteries. For that reason it became very important to me that she would come to be here with us during the unique and challenging times. Three weeks ago I invited her and she immediately booked her flight. She arrived here last night. Needless to say I am excited to have her around and I am glad to be able to share this journey with her.

Welcome, and thank you for being here, Mom.

Weekend

My weekend hasn't been bad overall. After my challenging day on Friday I got better. Saturday my spirits and my well being were up. The nausea backed off for a bit and my mouth didn't bother me too much. I still spent most of it in bed but I think that will become the norm for the next few weeks. I kind of enjoy this stage of rest and reflection.

Today was not quite as positive. I woke up with a lot of pain and felt sluggish and a little depressed for most of the day. Still, it became a nice day overall, and I had a good time hanging out with Angela for most of it.

Tomorrow will be the start of week 4 out of 6. Let's hope for the best.

Treatment Day 15

Today was one of the tougher days. I went to my radiation session as usual at 8:00 this morning. I felt tired and in pain but made it through without complaints. I went home and slept till noon. Angela and I were originally planning to go away for a couple of days but decided to stay home instead which proved to be the wiser choice. In the early afternoon I went to use the bathroom and threw up all over the floor and sink. I broke out in a sweat and became very dizzy. As I was crouching on the floor to clean up my puke I thought: "This is it. This is how I will die. They will find my passed out in my own vomit. Like a rock-star." But I lived, even though I felt very sick for the next couple of hours. At 5:00 we got a call from Cancer Care informing us that there was a mistake on the schedule and that I have to go for a second radiation session ASAP. So, I went. After the session I barely made it to the hospital washroom and threw up again. At that point Angela and I became concerned that I wasn't able to keep any fluids in my body (which is especially important after Chemo) and so we went to the Chemo ward and requested some IV fluids which the very helpfully gave me over about 2 hours. Now I'm back home and I am feeling beat.

Tomorrow is a new day...

Chemo Round 2

Yesterday was my second round of chemo. the procedure was the same as last time, I spend the morning on the chemo ward and was home by lunch time. As expected the side effects are strong for the first few days. I slept most of the afternoon yesterday and went to bed early.

This morning I had my radiation at 8:00 and went back to bed by 8:40 where I slept till 11:30. I was trying to hydrate a bit and drank a large glass of water follow by some smoothie like juice hat was supposed to be my lunch. I threw both up about 5 minutes later. All that effort for nothing.

I don't feel great, so I 'm hoping that his day will pass by sleeping and resting.

Treatment Day 11

Today started my third week of treatment. The complications with my mouth continued throughout the weekend so I wasn't in the best of spirits this morning. In the end it turned out to be a decent day.

I haven't been able to eat anything but liquids all weekend. It's funny how fast one adapts. I am not able to taste anything anyway so the prospect of normal food is already beyond my grasp and I'm fine with that. The constant uncomfortableness and pain is making me edgy and I am trying hard to control that through positive thoughts. No always easy, though.

In addition I will be getting my second round of chemo tomorrow. Second out of three. So I am guessing that I won't be on top of my game for the next few days.

Angela and I are planning to go away for the coming weekend after my treatment of Friday. I am really looking forward to that. She has been working a lot lately and I am excited to have some alone time with her. It's like a treat for the challenges that are coming my way throughout the week.

Clint is back from his vacation in England. It was very nice to see him again. I missed him and it is good to have him back.

I also realized that it has been exactly 3 months and a day since Donna gave me the news that I had cancer. 3 months. Hard to believe that all of this happened in such a short period. Life is crazy sometimes.

Two weeks of treatment are down. Four more to go. I can do this.

God, please grant me the strength...