Friday, August 28, 2009

Breaking Point

For me, the breaking point in someone's life happens when the task ahead appears to be larger than one's perceived strength to deal with it. I think mine was yesterday.
The last few days have been very challenging. The damage and pain to my mouth has increased substantially. I have been barely able to drink, both my food and water, as it hurts too much to swallow. My body also developed a routine where it wakes me up about 11:30 at night. I violently shiver and chatter my teeth for about 15 minutes. Then I develop a fever and sweat for the next hour or so. After that the rest of the night continues as normal. I have also lost my voice and am only able to speak with a whisper now.
Seeing that I sill have more than two weeks of treatment left I decided to ask for a feeding tube during my check up with Dr. Leylek yesterday. As soon as he entered the room and asked me how I was doing, I started to cry. I told him about my situation and he agreed that the feeding tube would be a good idea at this time. I have a meeting with the surgeon next Tuesday and hopefully I'll get it 'installed' during that week. in the meantime I will be getting IV fluids daily to make sure that I'll stay hydrated. At least I don't have to drink water anymore for the time being. After that I spend a nice afternoon with Angela and my mom. In the evening we went to see Kevin in 'Beauty and the Beast' (Kevin as the beast) at Rainbow Stage.
After the performance we went backstage to say hi to Kevin and when I gave him a hug I started to cry without being able to stop. I was so overwhelmed by the emotions of the show and my own misery that I couldn't help myself.
This morning after a good night sleep I feel better. Ready to face another day...

14 comments:

Wendy Broadfoot said...

Oh My God Olaf, how I ache for you. If only the next 2 weeks could mysteriously fly by!! Please hang in there with all the strength you can muster and remember that crying can be therapeutic, and ok. I wish I could give you and huge hug and cry with you too!
Take Care

Caroline Kowal said...

I am constantly impressed at how you continue to do things and get yourself out of the house. Good for you for going to see Kevin 'the beast'. You are an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you are definitely in the heart of the battle now. Seeing you last night impacted me deeply and I can't tell you how amazed I am at your strength. The crying and the ability to be vulnerable only makes me admire your more. I love you Olaf and believe in you. This painful struggle will end soon and then it will be nothing but tears of joy. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Thanks for being my friend.

Kev

Richard said...

I'm still here and with you all the way. Wish I could take the pain away, but ...
Know that you're in my heart and my head and I'm sending you power!
Miss you and love you!
Ever
Richard

Anonymous said...

Lots of Love, Olaf. Thinking of you constantly. xoxo - Amber

Jon Buller said...

Just phoned to leave a message. You're gonna make it man! It will not always be this way...
Love,
Jonny B

Laura said...

Your courage is inspiring. You are so loved Olaf. We all so wish we could take some part of this struggle away from you - even just for a few moments. Sending you the bigget hugs possible every minute of every day.

info said...

Da kann einem auch das Heulen kommen mein Freund !
Ina und ich denken, das Du alles richtig machst. Du kämpfst mit Kraft, analysierst Deinen Schmerz und Du vergräbst Dich nicht in diesem Elend. Du hast
Bärenkräfte ! Wir sind bei Dir- Jeden Tag
tiko

Stephen M said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so lousy. I'm sure the added nutrition and fluids will help but sounds like you are really on the edge. We're with you even there. You are entitled to letting your own misery show - go for it, besides tears are a good thing for release. Blessings for sound sleep and releif from pain.

Looks like you have about the same amount of hair now as you did when you were just a little guy.

Daria said...

Sometimes it's more than one can take ... my thoughts are with you.

All the best to you ....

Anonymous said...

Olaf - I've written and re-written this comment section about 8 times trying to find the right words of peace, strength and cyber-hugs to give to you. Having come up with nothing - I humbly defer my keystrokes to a quote from Louis Pasteur, the famous chemist / microbiologist who helped to revolutionize science: "Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity."
Stay stubborn and tenacious my friend - not only will you beat this, you ARE going to beat this.
Hugs,
Joy Prime

Steve Bell said...

Hey Olaf. Been gone alot. Sorry I haven't been around. I'm home next week and will come by. Thinks about you often. Hate it that you're suffering. Love you much.

David et Delphine said...

Salut Olaf,

We think about you with all our heart. I would like to take a part of your pain. Keep on fighting ! You will be the winner !
Corentin and Julie think about you.
Love
David & Delphine

Kim Zeglinski said...

Olaf, Since we haven't heard from you over the weekend, my prayer is that you felt soooooo great that it was an enriching and busy time spent with family and friends. From our breaking point, we often find an amazing turn for the better. I hope you are experiencing that. Blessings. Kim