Monday, September 28, 2009


I am depressed. There I said it. It's like a weight that is constantly pushing down on my shoulders and preventing me from enjoying a lot of aspects in life. Why am I like this? Hard to say. Obviously my physical discomfort doesn't help. Otherwise, I realize that I am thinking about cancer and my life with cancer all the time, and my mind is just cluttered with serious, negative, or often scary thoughts. This has been going on for about three weeks now and I find myself getting more and more paralyzed by it. Angela and I have talked a lot about it and her perspective is bang on in my opinion: As much as I was a positive individual in the beginning, by now I have already given up the fight. The frightening aspect of that is that she has no space to express her own fears or negative thoughts because we both would spiral downward together. I don't really know how and where to start in becoming a more positive and life-enjoying person again so I feel trapped for the moment. On Thursday I will go to see a counsellor from Psychosocial Oncology at CancerCare to see if some counseling might help.
For those of you praying for me, please add this to your list...


Laura said...

I don't want to minimize your circumstance in any way. But y'know you promised to show me some of the new games you picked up in Germany on your last trip.

Doesn't have to be on the weekend. We're pretty open...obvious lack of a social life.

Is this of any interest?

Angela...can I take you out for lunch sometime? Other than Tuesday, I'm open this week.

And how understandable is it that you are suffering with this horrible enemy and are depressed? Most of us cannot even conceive of what you are both going through. I'm sure the counsellors will have tremendous insight and guidance for you.

Daria said...

Hang in there Olag ... we're thinking of you.

It is not an easy journey.

Wendy Broadfoot said...

Believe me when I say that I promise to step up my prayers for you--if He hasn't heard me yet, He will now! Your depression is so understandable, but scarey and debilitating--good luck with the counsellor. Thanks so much for being so honest, accepting those feelings is half the battle--keep up the fight!!

Jon Buller said...

Always praying, and thinking of you my good friend.
Wish I was there!

Richard said...

I so wish I was there and we could have one of our sit-downs.
Its hard from here because there's no back and forth but I'd say that you should start focusing on your work. I KNOW that's hard! But you've got Quo Vadis on tap and heaven only knows what other magic is stirring inside your head (yeah, its all still there, shunted, for the moment, to a rear compartment) but you need to access that ... NOW. Another focus, and a creative one at that, is your solace at the moment, my friend. I've listened to what you've created for QV any number of times over the last while. There are deep messages in those tunes that apply now - "This Is Where I Live" ... LISTEN to that again!!!! You know it backward and forward I'm sure, but what you've written is who you ARE, now and always. Let your own words inspire you to move forward. Its ALL still inside you. There's more waiting to come out! Get in touch with that again because its your identity and your gift. It might be that you have to force yourself to do it, but in my humble opinion, your gift to us is also your gift to yourself. "The essence of life is both beauty and pleasure, a gift to the spirit and mind". You wrote that. Think on it. This depression will pass, Olaf. You've been through an incredible challenge and have come out the other side. The positive Olaf is still there. Give him a call and ask him what he'd do.
I LOVE YOU! I'm here (albeit farther away now) for you at any time!

Luke said...

It's been a long time since we last spoke. I've been following your blog as well as praying for you. If you can get to a computer check this ling. It is very up lifting in a round about way.

Luke de Leseleuc

lindamurphy said...

hey Olaf, I do follow your blog , but am usually at a loss of what to say, We continue to regularly light a candle in our home to remember you and Angela. I am not surprised as you have more energy that you may hit the wall harder. Hopefully liked the fatigue passed so will the dwindles. See you tomorrow

gina said...

Depression sucks!! It's as straightforward as that. But you have taken the biggest step towards better days - recognizing and acknowledging this demon-like emotion and doing something about it. Let the sun shine in, my friend. :-)

Anonymous said...

As someone who suffers from clnical depression, I know how debilitating it can be, physically and mentally. Going to see a counselor/therapist is an excellent idea. One day at a time....Love, Vern

JJ said...

I think cancer and depression go hand in hand, sadly. I was on anti-depressants for a year and a half after my diagnosis. It's not just the fight that depresses you, it's the days and months afterward too. Your body is so geared up for battle that once the fight is over your body is all sorts of confused.

Stay strong Olaf. You've got plenty of people praying for you.

Anonymous said...

One can never have too many people to talk to - one can never say too many prayers - one can never have too many friends. I hope you know that we're all praying for you and are all waiting for game night!!! I have a jar of homemade apple sauce with your name on it -- will drop it off when the time is right! Hang in there my friend. Hugs
Elaine and Leonard