The Results

The meeting is over and here is what Angela and I were told:

• We were shown the MRI from before the treatment. There was cancer covering about half of my tongue and part of the roof and sides of my mouth. Then they showed us last week's MRI. All the of the cancer was gone EXCEPT the 2cm of my infamous bump.

• Unfortunately they don't know what is inside this bump. It could be scar tissue, dead cells or alive cancer cells.

• I will undergo a PET scan in about two weeks that will hopefully clarify (with some margin of error) if these cancer cells are alive or dead.

• If they still are alive we could consider surgery or more chemo.

Bottom line is that this feels like good news. The cancer has not grown or spread. The treatment worked (at least for the most part). However, we can't say with certainty if I am cancer free yet. We'll have to wait for now and maybe undergo more options.

Distractions

Tomorrow is the meeting where will find out the results of the MRI scan. Obviously I am extremely nervous. I had a really bad night sleep already. Angela is working all day today and she arranged a fun day for me and my friends. David will be going for lunch and a movie with me and Clint and I will go to a spa and dinner after. I am looking forward to the distractions.

Angela and I also decided to go to New York on Friday. We figured that it would be better to mope around somewhere else in case we'll get bad news. If it's decent news we will have a good time taking in the big apple.

I will post the results of the meeting tomorrow afternoon.

Phoenix

Before all the treatments started, David and I were talking about what was to come. I told him that I was afraid of what a person I would become after all the suffering and struggling that was ahead of me. His response was an inspiration for me during a lot of hard times. "They will bring you as close to death as they can and then they put you back together. Like the Phoenix out of the ashes you will come back stronger and improved. Like an Olaf version 2.0" I will never forget that moment. There were, however, many times when I wasn't able to imagine the 'Phoenix' that I might become one day. Especially during the emotional turbulent times of the last weeks.

David came to visit last week and he left me a gift behind. A small picture that he drew onto a canvas. I was very touched by it and I would like to share it with everyone.

Thank you David!

Thursday

The scan is done. We don't know the outcome until next Thursday but it's a step closer. Angela was working Tuesday night so David was kind enough to give me company at the hospital.

The picture is taken, now we just wait.

They also took my feeding tube out on Tuesday morning. The truth be told it was extremely painful. I actually went into a shock from the pain shortly after. By today things are pretty much healed and there is hardly any uncomfortableness left.

Kevin came to visit me last night. It was great to see him again.

Most of my thoughts during the day are focused on next Thursday. I am still anxious about the results. I still have a tendency to assume the worst outcome. Angela and some of my friends have had the courage to say that they think that things will be positive. Of course I know that nobody can say for sure, but it does feel good to get these moments of hope. I am trying really hard to get on board with that but I fail more often than not. I always feel that damn growth in my tongue that worries me.

After The Weekend

My weekend was overall rather nice. On Saturday we went to Mordan and spend the afternoon with family where we ate and played cards. It was nice to be with them. Yesterday evening I visited David. It was great to chat with him for a while.

My biggest struggle this weekend was to think about the upcoming scan and results in more positive terms. I can't help it, but unto now I automatically assumed the worst. I somehow have a hard time to allow myself the possibility of good or at least hopeful results. That is extremely draining on my mental state. For example: Angela bought a cottage lot this weekend that she has to build a cottage on over the next two years. She was very excited about it and I was happy for her. At the same time I was deeply sad because I wondered if I would be alive long enough to see it.

This morning I had another meeting with a counsellor at CancerCare. After listening to my experiences over the last three weeks she felt that I am processing things properly. Many people are trying to avoid the true pain and anxiety and she was glad to hear that I allow myself to work through them. That is encouraging but it doesn't take away the uncomfortableness and mental anguish that I experience these days.

Tomorrow night is my appointment for the MRI scan. That is a big deal. The truth about how things progressed inside my mouth will be exposed. Even though we will only hear about the results on the 5th I do feel the importance of that scan. Please send your prayers and positive thoughts at 6:00 PM.

One a more joyful note, I will have my feeding tube removed tomorrow morning. I am excited about that as it brings me one step closer to feeling a bit more normal again.

Friday

On wednesday night I had a good cry in the evening. Things just seemed so overwhelming and I was tired from being scared about the upcoming results.

Since then things were a bit better. I had a good day yesterday. After sleeping in I went to work for a bit and then we had our usual supper group. That companionship has been very valuable for Angela and me, since this group has become like family over the last ten years and we always spend time at the end of our supper hour to talk about our journey and to pray together. After that Angela and I went to a show at MTC to see Stefanie perform. It was good to be out in public. A lot of people were glad to see me and showed a lot of concern and seemed pleased that I looked rather well.

Today we had breakfast with Angela's dad and we're going to visit Donna and Dave tonight, which I am looking forward to. I really like being with friends and family these days.

Work

The thoughts of the upcoming scan and the results are all consuming these days. the tumour is still in my tongue and I have difficulties to shake my nervousness.

One attempt to make it through the next couple of weeks if anticipation is to go back to work for a few hours a day. I have been going for half days this week and will probably continue to do so. It feels good to be around the daCapo crew again. I truly enjoy having Clint close by as well. It is often difficult for me to concentrate on work but I am trying hard to get back into the swing of things. I am walking there ever day which gives me a good excuse to do my exercise.

Unfortunately I noticed that my hearing has suffered quite a bit from the treatment, most likely from the chemo. Most things sound muffled and distorted. As you can imagine that is really hard to take in my line of work. I can't help but to feel that life is kicking me while I'm down.