My biggest struggle this weekend was to think about the upcoming scan and results in more positive terms. I can't help it, but unto now I automatically assumed the worst. I somehow have a hard time to allow myself the possibility of good or at least hopeful results. That is extremely draining on my mental state. For example: Angela bought a cottage lot this weekend that she has to build a cottage on over the next two years. She was very excited about it and I was happy for her. At the same time I was deeply sad because I wondered if I would be alive long enough to see it.
This morning I had another meeting with a counsellor at CancerCare. After listening to my experiences over the last three weeks she felt that I am processing things properly. Many people are trying to avoid the true pain and anxiety and she was glad to hear that I allow myself to work through them. That is encouraging but it doesn't take away the uncomfortableness and mental anguish that I experience these days.
Tomorrow night is my appointment for the MRI scan. That is a big deal. The truth about how things progressed inside my mouth will be exposed. Even though we will only hear about the results on the 5th I do feel the importance of that scan. Please send your prayers and positive thoughts at 6:00 PM.
One a more joyful note, I will have my feeding tube removed tomorrow morning. I am excited about that as it brings me one step closer to feeling a bit more normal again.