My mood has improved a bit overall but still feels very heavy for a lot of the time. My mind is constantly thinking about cancer and the fear of what is to come. It is extremely difficult to shut that off. I'm working on it, though.
It is also tough to deal with the daily physical struggles (especially when everybody digs into their thanksgiving buffet while I'm drinking my can of meal replacement). Cancer Care told me that the road to recovery would take about 7 weeks and I realize now that that is just not true. I am predicting a total of two more months before things will return to a more normal state. For what I have read on some support group sites that seams about right. Unfortunately that means I will have to be more patient and tolerate my discomfort longer. I will do my best. The truth is that at the moment, between the pain and the fear, life does not come easy. I have to constantly work on living every hour without losing it. I told Clint this morning that "It really sucks to be me right now."
I went to work this morning. I was thinking to go in for a couple of hours a day to find some distraction and to feel a bit more productive again. Let's see if I can keep that up or a while.
But there are some short times of contentment when I have a glass of wine with Angela while we watch some good TV in the evenings. For those couple of hours life seems good and somewhat normal. I treasure those moments.
5 comments:
A daunting journey for sure. Thanks for sharing the tough stuff Olaf. It really does suck to be you...But I'm sure the worst is behind you. Constantly hoping things will be better soon for you.
Time must pass so slowly for you these days, and all of us want so desparately for the next month or 2 to just fly by. Continue to treasure those moments of contentment while that darn "C" word disappears. You continue to be such an inspiration to me and everyone who knows you, but I am sure that you would rather just be plain old, healthy, Olaf and forget about inspiring anyone!!!
Take Care and thanks again for taking the time and energy to let us all know how you are "really" feeling!
"I will do my best". What wonderful words! That pledge to yourself shows me that you're resilience, fortitude and determination are still very much present in you - the Olaf I've known and loved all these years! Keep going, my friend! You're approaching the other side and the moments of contentment WILL become the norm and live WILL be good again!
I love you madly!
Richard
It's so very hard to turn off the brain when negative thoughts overpower the positive ones. Sometimes I wish there was a small switch behind the ear that we could use to zap the negativity and free our thinking.
I don't suppose you came across any pumpkin flavoured meal replacements to at least simulate the experience of eating pumpkin pie?!? Sargent Sundae sells pumpkin ice cream in season - could you try that? I know it's not turkey but... Thinking of you!
Sargent Sundae on Portage Avenue makes their own soft-serve pumpkin ice cream. Perhaps that could whet the autumnal appetite. Thinking of you often.
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