Scan Results May

Hi Everyone;

It has been a while since I posted something, so if there is anyone out there that still checks in once in a while, I thought I'd share the latest news.

I had a scan at the end of May and got the results a few days ago. Everything is clean! No evidence of cancer that can be found. Even though I was hopeful, I was still anxious a couple of days before hearing the results. Needless to say I am very pleased with the news.

The doctors commented about my impressive recovery. Other than the dry mouth and the very occasional aches and pains in my mouth my life is pretty much back to 'normal'. Hard to believe that I had a feeding tube about 8 months ago.

Anyway, now I have 6 months till my next scan.

Have a great summer everyone, I know I will!

Scan Results

Yesterday we got the results from the latest scan. Angela and I were quite anxious for the last few days.

The scan did not find any cancer. The infamous 'bump' remained the same size and possibly even shrunk a bit. The doctors seemed very pleased with the development and my recovery progress.

Good news all around. Now I have around 3 or 4 months before I have my next check. I hope I will make the most of it.

There But For The Grace Of God Go I

Last week I spend a week and a half in New York again. Clint and I travelled there for a conference and I spent a few days before that with Vern to work on a new musical that we are developing. I did notice how different this trip felt to previous months. Life almost felt normal again. I was able to eat most things (although my mouth still hurts at times and I have to drink a lot of water while I eat) and I had the physical and emotional strength to be active for most of the day. I did notice a deep sadness at times that wasn't necessarily uncomfortable but certainly present. I think it is fair to say that the last 10 month of my life have hurt me deeply. I experience that as a different sensation than depression. In a strange way it almost feels comforting at times. I have a certain pride to have lived through these terrible times.

I also have been back at work for the last month. That pretty much feels normal by now.

I have my next scan coming up this Saturday. I am a little bit nervous about it but I decided to look at these scans as my friends. After all their purpose is to prevent or discover future problems.

Life is easier these days and I am grateful for it.

Slowly Getting Back To Normal

The last week has been good. I am back at work full time now and it feels good to be productive again.

Even though my emotional and physical scars still run deep I do feel that many aspects of my life are returning somewhat to normal. I work, spend time with Angela and friends and socialize often. There are often hours during the day when I am able to forget about the cancer and my experiences.

I often spend time thinking through the events of the past few months. Now that the worst is over I have to process a lot of what happened with amore healthy mind. Some of it feels like a strange dream, some of it is hard to believe.

I have to say that I am not happy at the moment...but I am at peace. A great gift considering my feelings just two months ago.

Back At Work

I have been back at work pretty much full time since last Monday. I did rather well. The chemo hasn't bothered me too much except from soreness and ulcers in my mouth. I have somehow learned to live with that for the moment.

It was good to be back. After 10 months of absence it was great to feel productive again at the end of the day. It is a big step for me in returning to a 'normal' life again. Clint and I are planning a trip to a conference in New York in early February. I am looking forward to travelling with him again.

I have also spent a lot of time playing boardgames again with friends over the weekend. That has always been a big part of Angela's and my life and I take it as encouraging that I am getting interested in it again.

Life feels very different from a couple of months ago. I am still dealing with a lot of emotional issues but I don't feel the crushing weight of depression at the moment.

Feels good. Every day seems a bit easier than the previous.

After The Last Chemo

I finished my last chemo treatment last Wednesday. The first few days after were pretty rough but by the weekend I started to recover a bit. Today (Monday) I went to work for a better part of the day without too much nausea. I think it will get better every day now.

Overall I am happy that my final treatment is finally over. No more beatings and not a moment too soon. At this point I feel that my body and mind can't take much more. Now I just have show up every couple of months for my scans and hope and pray that they will show nothing.

On the down side my side effects are bothering me a lot. My mouth is constantly dry and eating is still a real chore. I have to drink a bit of water every few minutes as my mouth isn't able to produce much saliva at this point. My tongue and throat are quite sore. As someone said on a website on mouth cancer: "radiation is the gift that keeps on giving." I am, however, optimistic that these side effects will lessen over time. I keep reminding myself that this is 'only for now'.

Christmas/New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I am sorry that it took me so very long to write a new entry.

My Christmas in Germany was wonderful. It was definitely a time of emotional healing. It was soothing to be with my family. I was able to talk to them if I needed to and we were comfortable to be quiet with each other as weIl. It was important for me to see my dad and my sister for the first time in person since the cancer started. I am also sure it was good for my mother to see me recover physically since she saw me last. During my 12 days there it became obvious that my old me came more and more to the forefront again. There were moments when I laughed while having a beer with old friends when I actually forgot about my troubles for a while. Life is starting to look a little bit better every day right now.

It was also good to be back. Angela and I had friends over for new years eve which was fun. It wasn't hard for me to say good-bye to 2009. Not exactly my best year. Here is to a more hopeful 2010!

Today I started my last round of chemo. I have been dreading it but at least it will be over soon. Just a couple more weeks of uncomfortableness and then I will finally be able to return to a more normal life. I am excited to be back at work full time. I am sure Clint is looking forward to have his business partner back as well.

Last week we had a meeting with my oncologist who was also visibly very pleased with the MRI results from early December. Apparently the written report states that the remaining tumour is most likely fatty deposits. Things feel very hopeful at the moment. My next scan will be in the end of February.

It feels like we are turning a page right now...

MRI Results

I had a great meeting with my radiation oncologist yesterday. He came in with a big smile and said that he had some good news. The MRI showed no cancer and the tumour growth has shrunk and seems to be harmless. At this point he was comfortable to say that I had a 'complete response' and that they cannot find any more cancer. I hugged him twice and went home smiling.

I will be off to Germany today.

Merry Christmas everyone!

This Week

This week was strange. I spent most of my time floating between work and bed. I wasn't really that sick but I was not able to be up without feeling a little tired and nauseous. I quite hate that feeling as I feel like a useless log that lies in bed all day. Hopefully I'll be a bit more productive this weekend.

I am still planning to go to Germany on Tuesday but I am terrified of the trip as well. This will be the first time that I am leaving my 'nest' and that I will travel without Angela for such along period of time. I am also worried that I will wreck everyone's Christmas by being the slightly depressed and sad person that I have become. I guess I'll just have to close my eyes and go for it.

I am scheduled for another MRI this Sunday morning as part of the follow up routine. They want to make sure that my bump is not growing. I am a little bit nervous about it but not too much. hopefully it will come back clean. Let's all think scar tissue again.

Adjuvent Chemo, Day 3 and Monday

The chemo went well overall. I did get a bit sick yesterday (day 3) and today. I pretty much slept non-stop since 1:00 pm yesterday till tonight. It feels like I am not sick enough to be in bed but not well enough to get up. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and be able to get to work for a bit. Things could definitely be worse and I am grateful for that. Let's hope it stays that way.

Adjuvent Chemo, Day 1

Today at 1:00 PM I was back in the chemo chair. It was strange to go back to the same rooms that I was in a few months ago. Truthfully I was quite anxious and nervous. After 3 hours I was done and will have to go back tomorrow and Sunday for a short session. After that I have one month before my next cycle. I am hoping that the side effects will be as tolerable as they were in Spring. Hopefully I will be well enough to go to Germany on the 15th of December.

Just When You Thought You Were Out...

Angela and I met with the Radiation Oncologist and the Surgeon on Monday. They told us that things do look promising (the PET scan came back clean, etc) but there is always the worry that the occasional cancer cell has survived that would trigger a recurrence in the future. The thing to do was to monitor me closely. This didn't leave me with a very confident feeling about the whole situation. I wanted to hear 'Go home, you're cancer free'.but I soon understood that this would not be said for several years. Even though the cancer was in remission the chances of a recurrence could not be ignored.

My Chemo Oncologist still asked to see us yesterday (Thursday) and presented us with a curve ball: He suggested to go back into two rounds of chemo (one a month) to hopefully kill any remaining cancer cells. In his opinion this would lower the chances of it coming back. He pointed out that I had been through a lot and that my body is weakened and that it probably would not be a walk in the park but that two months of loosing some 'quality of life' might be worth the extra insurance in the long term. I asked to think about it over the weekend but I thing I will go ahead with it. The first round will probably start already the end of next week.

I was planning to visit my family in Germany over Christmas starting the middle of December. If everything goes well and the side effects are not too bad I am still planning to go but I will make that decision shorty before that date. I really hope this trip will happen.

As for today I am getting ready for next week.

PET Scan Results

I got a call from Cancer Care at about 3:00 PM this afternoon. The test reults were in and they felt they would like to spare me the torture of waiting for a week.
Here it is: The scan found nothing in my big bump. Nothing lit up (that's good, means no cancer), except a little at the roof of my mouth. They assume this to be inflammation rather than cancer and recommend close monitoring in the future.

This means that for the moment (a couple of months till the next scan) we are done. I will have a meeting with my doctor on Monday and will have a chance to ask any further questions.

I am extremely happy and relieved.

Thank you for all your prayers and positive thoughts!

PET Scan

Today I went to get the scan done. It was interesting. They injected me with a radioactive sugar solution for an hour before they sent me into the tube (for about 40 minutes).

Now we have to wait for the results. I will meet with my physicians next Thursday (26th) to hear what came from it. Hopefully they will be able to tell from this scan if there is still live cancer or not. And so the waiting game continues.

Everybody say "scar-tissue"

New York And Beyond

New York had a lot of good moments. Angela and I saw some Broadway shows, went to the Opera, saw a TV show taping and did some shopping. Unfortunately it became evident that my depression and anxiety was still going strong. There were many hours when I felt unable to enjoy myself and Angela and I spent a lot of time in our hotel room talking and trying to address my fears and worries. It seamed that I did not take last Thursdays results well at all. Even though I understand that a lot of the treatment has been successful (most of the cancer seems to be gone), I am also upset about the possibility of 2 cm of cancer that could still be left in the growth in my tongue. I realized that there is a good chance for surgery which would be painful and could mean permanent swallowing, eating and talking disability. I somehow resent the thought that, after all my suffering this summer, there is still more to come. At this point in the game my mind is just unable to deal with that and I am sinking deeper into a depression every day.

After we got back I went off to spend the weekend with some friends at a cottage where my dear friend Dick is arranging a yearly get together where we make music and just have a good time. So far I haven't been able to socialize much. I find myself sitting in the background by myself a lot and indulge myself in my overwhelming sadness. I can't help but mourn the playful and worry free life I once used to know. I cry a lot these days.

On Tuesday I will have my PET scan. With this scan they can determine (by chemical reactions) if the growth in my mouth has living cancer cells in it or not. Unfortunately this technology has a lot of space for error so there might not be any conclusive results. For this reason I am getting myself ready for the potential of surgery.

Poor Angela has to carry all of my emotional weight and is still able to make me feel better at times. She always knows just what to say to comfort me. I am, however, worried that she won't be able to keep this up much longer.

So, life is tough these days. And I am bracing myself for it to get tougher...

The Results

The meeting is over and here is what Angela and I were told:

• We were shown the MRI from before the treatment. There was cancer covering about half of my tongue and part of the roof and sides of my mouth. Then they showed us last week's MRI. All the of the cancer was gone EXCEPT the 2cm of my infamous bump.

• Unfortunately they don't know what is inside this bump. It could be scar tissue, dead cells or alive cancer cells.

• I will undergo a PET scan in about two weeks that will hopefully clarify (with some margin of error) if these cancer cells are alive or dead.

• If they still are alive we could consider surgery or more chemo.

Bottom line is that this feels like good news. The cancer has not grown or spread. The treatment worked (at least for the most part). However, we can't say with certainty if I am cancer free yet. We'll have to wait for now and maybe undergo more options.

Distractions

Tomorrow is the meeting where will find out the results of the MRI scan. Obviously I am extremely nervous. I had a really bad night sleep already. Angela is working all day today and she arranged a fun day for me and my friends. David will be going for lunch and a movie with me and Clint and I will go to a spa and dinner after. I am looking forward to the distractions.

Angela and I also decided to go to New York on Friday. We figured that it would be better to mope around somewhere else in case we'll get bad news. If it's decent news we will have a good time taking in the big apple.

I will post the results of the meeting tomorrow afternoon.

Phoenix

Before all the treatments started, David and I were talking about what was to come. I told him that I was afraid of what a person I would become after all the suffering and struggling that was ahead of me. His response was an inspiration for me during a lot of hard times. "They will bring you as close to death as they can and then they put you back together. Like the Phoenix out of the ashes you will come back stronger and improved. Like an Olaf version 2.0" I will never forget that moment. There were, however, many times when I wasn't able to imagine the 'Phoenix' that I might become one day. Especially during the emotional turbulent times of the last weeks.

David came to visit last week and he left me a gift behind. A small picture that he drew onto a canvas. I was very touched by it and I would like to share it with everyone.

Thank you David!

Thursday

The scan is done. We don't know the outcome until next Thursday but it's a step closer. Angela was working Tuesday night so David was kind enough to give me company at the hospital.

The picture is taken, now we just wait.

They also took my feeding tube out on Tuesday morning. The truth be told it was extremely painful. I actually went into a shock from the pain shortly after. By today things are pretty much healed and there is hardly any uncomfortableness left.

Kevin came to visit me last night. It was great to see him again.

Most of my thoughts during the day are focused on next Thursday. I am still anxious about the results. I still have a tendency to assume the worst outcome. Angela and some of my friends have had the courage to say that they think that things will be positive. Of course I know that nobody can say for sure, but it does feel good to get these moments of hope. I am trying really hard to get on board with that but I fail more often than not. I always feel that damn growth in my tongue that worries me.

After The Weekend

My weekend was overall rather nice. On Saturday we went to Mordan and spend the afternoon with family where we ate and played cards. It was nice to be with them. Yesterday evening I visited David. It was great to chat with him for a while.

My biggest struggle this weekend was to think about the upcoming scan and results in more positive terms. I can't help it, but unto now I automatically assumed the worst. I somehow have a hard time to allow myself the possibility of good or at least hopeful results. That is extremely draining on my mental state. For example: Angela bought a cottage lot this weekend that she has to build a cottage on over the next two years. She was very excited about it and I was happy for her. At the same time I was deeply sad because I wondered if I would be alive long enough to see it.

This morning I had another meeting with a counsellor at CancerCare. After listening to my experiences over the last three weeks she felt that I am processing things properly. Many people are trying to avoid the true pain and anxiety and she was glad to hear that I allow myself to work through them. That is encouraging but it doesn't take away the uncomfortableness and mental anguish that I experience these days.

Tomorrow night is my appointment for the MRI scan. That is a big deal. The truth about how things progressed inside my mouth will be exposed. Even though we will only hear about the results on the 5th I do feel the importance of that scan. Please send your prayers and positive thoughts at 6:00 PM.

One a more joyful note, I will have my feeding tube removed tomorrow morning. I am excited about that as it brings me one step closer to feeling a bit more normal again.